This is not easy for me to say, write and sometimes think about and I am certain that others will think it crazy. Right now you are here, embedded deep in my body and my heart is breaking through the duldroms of your pentrating touch. Tired is simply lack of sleep or time to sleep. Weary is carrying a heavy load. Exhaustion, however is mentally, spiritually and physically worn down to the nub. Raw, shaky, lost, and uncertain. In this mental state I can not feasibly make sound decisions. If I am able to discern the next right action then it is out of the lizard brain otherwise known as survival mode.
The fancy way of saying it. Here is a list of things that are exhausting:
Personal relationships, at the moment rank at the top of this list, but in reality I am certain there is no order to which is worse or better. These are defined terms and therefore not applicable.
Friends with opinions, insights and caring. Though it may seem as though it is not a weary item, I am beset with wonderful people who care. The burden is listening, talking and sharing. I am at the point of shutting down, completely. So completely that I have no energy to disperse into hearing their wonderful words.
memories, rememberances. Hearing the words I spoke at 23 coming from a Professor discussing the science behind depression and anxiety in Lesbians.
I left the class because I couldn’t handle the range of emotions that surfaced at hearing myself portrayed in a lecture.
thinking; I am sincerely tired of thinking, contemplating and placing in correct order exactly what must be done next, or how it should be done.
Control, I am not able to control anything. It is an illusion, an absolute illusion which others continue to cling to. The kicker is I am clinging to the idea as well. Seeing control in my present day to day activities, past memories and of course in my actions. Control, I am really exhausted with control.
Feeling, I no longer wish to feel the heaviness, pain and worries that are a continual plague on my consciousness.
Pain, discomfort, tension, stress balls… anything in this realm is no lo9nger serving my needs, whether immediate or long term.
fear; this is a many faceted emotion one which i am certain will have it’s own letter. Because in the end writng is my joy, my release and my path to freedom. I hope that others can use what is here but in the end I write for the release of my own prison. Thank you for being apart of my life. Your presence here reminds me of how strong I truly am. Exhaustion you are without a doubt the manifestation of courage and strength. For this I thank you.
I am exhausted because I ahven’t taken the time to repair my own body and mental state.
Exhuastion, you are free to leave now.
- 5 Tough Choices You Face When Chronically Ill or in Pain (psychologytoday.com)
- 10 Ways To Get Energized When You’re Exhausted! (storybookapothecary.com)